Recovering

Yeah, ok I’ve flatlined lately in terms of posts. Too in my head for a variety of reasons I’m not inclined to share through this medium. Like most people, I deal with these waves of feelings about how I really don’t know what the heck I’m doing and soon everyone will find me out. I’m a fraud, I tell myself, what the hell do I think I’m doing?

These feelings are almost always tied to minor successes. Failures just tend to piss me off, so I plunge myself back into the work. Somehow, when I get positive feedback I feel the urge to go in an start ripping canvases with a utility knife. It’s been a tough few days of overextending myself and then feeling guilty for feeling that I’m overextended. Crazy trap, pointless and paralyzing.

I’ve been forced to be social all too much lately, I guess I just want to hide out.

In a way, even when I’m not in the studio as much as I feel I need to be I’m still working. Laying in the tub drinking coffee in the dull pre-dawn hours, walking the dog, anytime I am somewhat alone and present. The girls are nearly two and a half now. They go full-throttle pretty much all day long, and sometimes after coming home and traveling through the post-work/pre-bedtime routine I don’t have anything left. It’s always ok if I can make myself get up and go, but if I sit down it’s all over. I’ve done close to 20 paintings since the end of February. I am in a moment of shift, and I confess a moment of doubt.

There’s always the doubt. Sometimes it is raging, sometimes it is merely underlying. Sometimes I feel so emphatic, and I escape myself. I’ve come too far to reverse course, or set a new one for that matter. I wonder if artists have ever really felt wanted, in any other era in any other place.

There’s the upcoming trip to the City. Perhaps just what I need to re-energize. There’s also the half-century bike ride this weekend, my official coming out of retirement ride. I’ll probably be dead on arrival at the end but I am also excited about it. One thing for certain, I won’t break any speed records. Pre-daughters, I could’ve done it in under 2 hours. There’s no hope for that now. But I’ve got good company to ride with, looks like it won’t be scorching hot, so like life all there is to do is ease back and enjoy the ride.

I also ran into a new painter acquaintance last night. He doesn’t speak very good English and I don’t speak very good Spanish, but we get along. Invited me over to his house for grilling and wine and a studio tour (one of my former studios actually). I look forward to that. I’ve been getting to know more painters lately and I have to say actually enjoying it. I have no idea what his work is like, but what the heck? Gives me a chance to use my pathetic Spanish and not feel self-conscious about it.

I hope to get back to work tonight.